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Published May 31, 2017

The National Hockey League does not care about ratings. That is irrelevant. It is not concerned about its tiny market in comparison to the other major American sports. The NHL does not care about its currently broken divisional playoff format. That is irrelevant.

No, what the NHL truly fears…

Is personality.

Some say that becoming a professional hockey player requires years of training, support, and practice. It takes constant hard work and the determination to always improve on every minute aspect of play. This is false. To become a professional Hockey player, you must undergo the “empathy draining method”, otherwise known as EDM. This is a rigorous process in which every feasible human emotion is drained over the course of five years. It begins with sucking away happiness, then sadness, then lust, then fulfillment, and every conceivable emotion is taken away until all that remains is a husk that can move a stick well.

This process is essential in making sure that the NHL has no major dramatic stories, and that the most meaningless slights against organizations can be major stories. Drama for the NHL is a player not agreeing to interview because they have a punctured lung. The monsters.

The NHL’s EDM process can be seen in action in the multitudes of post-game interviews. Every player brings up the exact same responses for the exact same questions. Here are some frameworks that are engrained into the players heads during the EDM process:

Q: How would you say your team did on the ice tonight?

A: Oh you know, we put pucks hard on the net, uh, you know, both teams are good teams, we just have to do what we can to get by and put more pucks on the, uh, net.

Q: John Jackson put up a 2-point night. Can you comment on their achievements?

A: Oh you know…Johnathan Jackson is a strong player, really brings the team together through intangibles. Uh…uh…you know he’s uh…kid’s a beaut you know and he puts pucks on the net you know it’s a team effort in there always but if one guy can shine then one guy can shine.

oh you know bud you know

But…every now and then…the process fails. Granted, it has a 99% success rate, but sometimes there are some…bad eggs, that overcome the EDM process.

They are capable of…smiling and even…I’m sorry, I’m about to gag as I say this, may god forgive me…crack jokes.

Sometimes they even have fun and say insults towards each other while playing. This is a big no-no, and we try to fine them with approximately the writer’s yearly salary...wait wh-

The biggest enemy of the NHL currently is a player by the name of P.K. Subban. He is one of the only extroverted and outspoken players in the NHL and I don’t like it. Not one bit. He is capable of happiness, and that makes me feel fear. He even…donated 10 million dollars to a children’s hospital. Generosity…kindness…all of these things terrify the NHL, so they do whatever they can to slander his name. They will call Subban a dirty player, a “clown” on the ice, a locker room “cancer”, because he does not adhere to the NHL’s desired¬†system.

what is this emotion

So when you watch hockey, I want you to send your regards to the players. Know that, they are incapable of feeling emotions. Rally behind those who display it. When they attempt a joke, just laugh. Even if it is terrible, provide the most laughter you can. It will help them.

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