I guess Steam is trying to make the Steam Awards an annual thing. Which is good! Because it gives me something to look forward to annually. I actually enjoy the Steam Awards. It’s honest with how pointless it is to categorize games when people’s experience with them varies, like they’re actual individuals and not a collective.

Wait, what?

Anyways, if you’ve seen my video about the Steam Awards from 2016, you know how this goes. But if not, let me give you the rundown anyways: I look at every category in the Steam Award, judge the victor, and provide my completely pointless opinion.

OKAY LET’S PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO THIS AS STEAM DOES INTO ITS UI YENNOWHATIMSAYIN

Category #1: Choices Matter.

Winner: The Witcher 3

I have a serious confession. I am one of those people. I am one of those people, who are going to talk about Witcher 3, without actually having beaten the game. I put 50 hours into it, but I’m unsure if I even made a dent in this game.

But I will say, out of all of these games, there was actually a really profound moment where I felt the choices mattered. I have had a decision made in a sidequest, come back to bite me in a random encounter later on. And, honestly, I did not expect it to happen for such a minute thing. I’m sure this game is full of more moments like these, but like most game reviewers, I will not list them. Because none of us have actually finished this game. And I’m fairly sure nobody else did. Anybody who did is a liar.

Life is Strange Before the Storm should not be on there though.

Category #2: Mom’s Spaghetti

Winner: PLAYERUNKNOWN’S BATTLEGROUNDS

I’ve never had that existential feeling of age creeping up on me. I’m still fairly young. I’m in University, I have hope in my life, goals I wish to attain.

But, I don’t get PUBG. And that scares me. It freaks me out that it has sold millions on Steam, because I don’t get it. I am not with the majority anymore. I’m not a tween or teen. I can’t spend 5 hours a day playing a single video game anymore. This reminds me that I have lost my childhood somewhat, and it’s cause for reflection.

So, yes. This is fitting for the mom’s spaghetti reward.

Category #3: Labor of Love

Winner: Warframe

My personal pick for this category didn’t even get a nomination. Hearing the story of Cuphead’s creation, the passion, and the love that went into it, surprises me that it didn’t even get a mention.

But I get Warframe winning this. I don’t understand this game or what it’s even about, but I get all of the effort going into the game to improve it.

Jungle Inferno wasn’t a labour of love though. Team Fortress gets one massive update after nearly a year, and everybody is calling me out on it. Well, I have something to say to that.

If Valve makes a massive update to Team Fortress 2 in six months, I will delete my YouTube channel. Boom. Your move Valve, and your weird, mobile Portal game.

Category #4: Suspension of Disbelief

Winner: Rocket League

This category is essentially a more professional way of allowing the lol XD games to get nominated. Thankfully, this ruse succeeded, and only one meme game got nominated. It didn’t even win!

The idea of Rocket-powered cars playing soccer is far-fetched now, but, honestly, out of all of the nominees, it seems the most plausible. I don’t know why, but I see self-driving cars inventing their own sport as more likely than, I don’t know, a Nazi regime returning at any point. Right?

Category #5: The World is Grim Enough Let’s Just All Get Along

Winner; Stardew Valley

The world needs more wholesome games in it. The world needs more Stardew Valley’s. I still can’t get enough of this game. I’ve bought it for 3 different consoles, and have sunk at least 40 hours into each version. It’s so addictive, but it’s very calming as well. This game is best experienced at your own pace. Don’t look at massive, immaculate farms and get discouraged. Those people are either on Year 5, or have 100+ hours of experience and are just starting a new game. Nobody begins with the perfect farm. Mine still sucks, and I have that 100+ hours of experience too.

Category #6: No Apologies

Winner: The Witcher

This game is awful. That’s why it’s the perfect winner.

Character’s eyes are soulless potatoes, and I feel that everybody talks like they’re about to give me the lecture of the century on the degrading industrial economy of Poland. But, hell if it doesn’t have heart and passion behind it. The Witcher 1 is so archaeic, but it tried so hard to be innovated. It is so hard not to love.

Rust is just bad though.

Category #7: Defies Description

Winner: Garry’s Mod

“Hello, I am Valve. I hath memed upon myself with this reward, for if you go to the Steam Store page, WHAT DO WE FIND?”

Begone, Valve.

Category #8: Cry Havoc and Let Slip The Dogs of War

Winner: Just Cause 3

Hey, this is a game that came out, remember? In the best year of gaming ever 2015? (this is a meme. Please don’t judge, I honestly don’t know why that year got praised so much for being one of the best ever.)

Does Just Cause 3 have explosions? Yes.

Does Just Cause 3 let you control these explosions? Yes.

Does Just Cause 3’s physics enable it? Yes.

There ya go. Big boom game.

Category #9: Haunts My Dreams

Winner; Counter-Strike

Okay, so. I’ve been fairly lenient and accepting of the winners so far. This one I just do not get. How in the world did this beat Dota 2? And why is Dark Souls 3 on there? It’s a single-player game, and regardless of its PVP, people will get sick of it.

And if Counter-Strike had to win, why original, and not Global Offensive? I have friends who have 1000+ hours in that game. I’ve seen the proof. I’ve stalked their profile.

But the most mind-boggling thing, is how is PUBG not on this list? Or Fortnite? I feel those battle royale games lend people to sink 100s of hours into them.

BAD PICK STEAM COMMUNITY. FEEL BAD FOR NOT POINTLESSLY VOTING FOR THE POINTLESS AWARDS.

Category #10: Soul of Vitruvius

Winner: Tomb Raider

More people thought Lara Croft is prettier than 2B. A robot designed to be as attractive as possible. An android created to represent peak humanity.

Okay guys.

Whatever.

I don’t care.

Category #11: “Whoooaaaaaaa, Dude! 2.0”

Winner; The Evil Within 2

I believe this category is for the most psychedelic game. Which, if that’s the case, this is a terrible choice.

The Evil Within 2 was just one of those whatever blips on the radar this year. I mean, i’m all for horror games, but I don’t feel this deserves the award. Hotline Miami 2 would be the clear winner for me.

Category #12: Best Soundtrack

Winner: Cuphead

I DON’T AGREE WITH THE WINNER, BUT I UNDERSTAND. I would put NieR: Automata above Undertale, then Undertale above Cuphead. BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY IT WON. THESE GAMES ALL HAVE 10/10 SOUNDTRACKS. IT IS REALLY HARD TO COMPETE WITH PERFECTION.

NieR is better thou-BUT I GET IT, OKAY. THIS IS A FINE CHOICE.

Category #13: Even Better Than I Expected

Winner: Cuphead

None of these games I had positive expectations for. Hollow Knight I didn’t know about. Sonic Mania is a sonic game, so of course, I expected it to be terrible, but it was one of the best games of the year.

And I was so worried about Cuphead. I was worried it would suck. I was worried it was going to be popcorn filler, but it’s not. It’s amazing. All of it is fantastic. I love Cuphead. Just, not as much as some crazed fans.

YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4ghIcNQQGFD2523eD1DYgA

Twitter: twitter.com/Hoiyamiya

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